Jessica on Drugs

I'm at home, finishing my workout. The phone rings. I answer it.

"Hello?"
"Hi, Lindsey. I'm on my way home with your drugged up sister. It's pretty entertaining."
"Do you need me to do anything before you get home?"
"No, we'll be home in about twenty minutes. Just make sure that her bed is cleared off so that she can lay down."
"Okay, will do!"
"Oh, hold on. She wants to talk to you. Can you talk?"
"Sure!"
"Okay, she's really loopy and crying a lot . Here she is."

The phone is passed over to Jessica.

"LIIIIINNNNNDDDDSSSSSEEEEYYYY!"
"Hi, Jessica. How are you doing? Are you doing okay?"
"Yeeeeessssssss." *sniffle* "They took me in and he was so nice. They sat me down in the chair and laid me back and he was so nice and then they gave me a shot and he was so nice and then he asked me about The Hobbit because he's so nice and then he gave me a shot and I thought it would hurt but I didn't even feel it and then I couldn't see anymore." Some gasping and crying noises.
"Jessica, it's okay. You just need to calm down. You're almost home, and then you can lay down and you'll feel better."
"NOOOOOOO! We're not almost home! I don't know where we are!"
"Yes you are, Jessica. I just talked to mom and she said you were about twenty minutes away, and that was five minutes ago, so now you're only about fifteen minutes away."
"Mom just keeps laughing at me! She's being so mean! Stop lauuughing!!"
"Jessica, calm down. Everything is going to be okay."
"And then they pulled out my teeth and it realllllly hurt and then they woke me up and I asked the nurse if she had any friends and she said she didn't and that made me feel realllllllllllllly sad!" 
"Oh, yea? It's okay, Jessica. I'm sure she's fine."
"And then they put me in a wheelchair but I don't know why they put me in a wheelchair because I wasn't huuuuurrrrtttt!" 
"They just wanted to make sure that you were going to be okay and didn't get hurt, that's all."
"And theeennnnn they took me to the car and helped me into the caaarrrr!"
"Jessica--it's okay. You need to calm down."
"He was sooooooo nice! I think I want to write him a card to tell him thank you for being so nice. I think I need to write him a card."
"That would be very nice, Jessica. So when you get home, do you just want to lay down in your bed and go to sleep?"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I went to sleep last night! I don't want to sleep again!"
"Okay, then what do you want to do? Do you want to sit on the couch downstairs and watch a movie? I could get a movie ready for you to watch."
"No! I don't waaaaannnnnnnt to watch a movie!!!!"
"That's fine. You don't have to watch a movie. It's going to be okay, okay?"
"Is Emmmiiilllyyy there?"
"Yea, do you want to talk to her?"
"Yeeessss!" *sniffle* 
"Okay, here she is."
"Thanks soooo much, Lindsey! You're soooo nice!"

Ten minutes later...

The front door opens and Mom and Jessica come in the house and make their way into the kitchen. I come and stand in the kitchen doorway. Mom stands leaning against the counter. Jessica sits on a chair on the other side of the room. She's staring at all of us with glassy eyes and a mouth full of gauze.

"She is being hysterical!" Mom says as she wipes away tears.
"Why is everybody laughing at meee! Just stop!"

Mom and I go out of the room to grab some stuff real quick. When we return Emily's the only one in the kitchen. She's laughing and pointing into the dinning room. We walk towards where Emily is pointing. Jessica is sprawled out on the dinning room table like a star, spinning around. 

(After laughing) "Jessica, you can't lay here."
(She rolls around) "But I waaannnttt to!"
"No, Jessica, let's go lay you down on the couch."
"NOOOOOOO!!!!! I like it heeeerrree!" 
(Taking her arm and pulling her into the kitchen) "No, Jessica. Come on. You need to eat some food so that you can take your medicine."
Jessica sits down in the kitchen again. She touches her tongue. "It's scalllllyyy! Like a DRAGON!!!!"
(Midst trying to not let her see us laugh) "Jessica, you don't have a dragon in your mouth."
"I want to eat potatoes."
"Potatoes probably aren't a good idea, Jessica. They're too dry. How about you eat some apple sauce."
"No! I don't like apple sauce!"
"Then how about yogurt? Can you eat yogurt?"
*She moans* "Okay. Lindsey, is my lip fat?"
"No, just your cheeks because they're filled with gauze."
"What kind of yogurt do you want? We have peach--"
"NOOO!"
"Okay, then we have vanilla..."
*Ugh*
"You want vanilla?"
(annoyed) "Yes!"
"Here's a spoon."
"No, I don't want that one! I want my cereal spoon!"

She grabs a spoon and goes to stand in front of the microwave so that she can see her reflection. Then, she dips her spoon into the yogurt and starts painting her tongue with the yogurt on the spoon. Her movements are very slow and she looks perplexed. 

(In between swipes of yogurt) "She lied! My lip's huge!" 

After eating half the container of yogurt it's time for her to take some pills.

(While handing her four pills and her water bottle) "We'll have you take some ibuprofen for now and then I'll go to the store and get your prescription from Target and you can take those later."
"Can I go to the store with you?"
"No, Jessica."
"But the people at Walmart are always this weird!"
"No, Jessica. Now take your pills."
"I can't."
"Just do your best. Put the pill back on your tongue and then try to swallow."

Jessica does this several times, trying to swallow multiple pills. Most of the water ends up on her shirt and the counter.

(After trying to take the pills) "I need to clean this up."

She grabs a paper towel and begins sluggishly wiping the counters and floor. 

(Seeing the roll of paper towels out of the corner of her eye) "Oh no, Lindsey! I got blood on it!"
"It's okay, Jessica. We'll just take that part off."
"But look! It's right there!"
"Don't worry, we'll just be sure to not use that part. It's okay."
*uhhhhhh* She walks out of the room.

Surveying the scene of water spilled all over the counter top and floor, I start to clean it up. I go into the hall, headed towards the bathroom to get some disinfectant spray. I turn the bathroom doorknob and open it two inches, not realizing that Jessica's in there. 

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

She slams the door on me. I go in the other room to laugh, and then come back and knock on the door.

"Jessica?"
(In an evil/angry sounding voice) "What do you want, you PERVERT!"

I'm laughing too hard to reply and go into the other room. She eventually emerges.

"You don't walk into the bathroom when people are going to the bathroom or combing their hair!"
"I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were in there."

She walks over to the couch and sits down, a pitiful look on her face.

Yes--Jessica got her wisdom teeth pulled out this morning.