Yesterday I realized, however, that I have maybe been taking the whole forget yourself and serve others principle a little too far. I think that I have been trying to serve others too much.
What? Hold on--wait:
WHAT? Lindsey saying that too much service isn't good? What on earth happened to the universe?! All she ever talks/thinks/breathes about is how important it is that we serve others. It's pretty much what keeps her blood pumping.
Yes, you read right: you can go overboard with the desire to serve others, and I think I fell off deck a while back and haven't realized it until now. Rather than having me explain it though, I'll quote President Eyring from this last Relief Society Conference:
"The Lord, who is
the Master Nurturer of people in need, gave inspired counsel to weary
caregivers in these words delivered by King Benjamin and recorded in the Book
of Mormon: 'For the sake of retaining a remission of your sins … I would that
ye should impart of your substance to the poor, every man according to that
which he hath, such as feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, visiting the
sick and administering to their relief, both spiritually and temporally,
according to their wants.'
"But then He goes
on to warn those of you who might fail to respond to the evidence that you are
pushing on too far and too long in your loving service: 'And see that all these
things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man [or any
caregiver] should run faster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient
that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all
things must be done in order.'
"That counsel can
be hard to apply when the choice seems to be balancing a desire to do all you
can to help others with the wisdom to be prudent in meeting your own needs to
retain your power to serve…The Holy Ghost is sent to you and to those you care
for. You will be strengthened and yet inspired to know the limits and extent of
your ability to serve. The Spirit will comfort you when you may wonder, 'Did I
do enough?'"
Yesterday, the thing I learned was that I haven't been wise enough to balance my "desire to do all [I] can to help others with the wisdom to be prudent in meeting [my] own needs". I have been pushing myself so much out of the picture that I've been left feeling wrung-out and exhausted because my needs aren't being met. I've been feeling lonely and without friends not because I don't have them, but because when I finally find time to be with them I'm so tired drained from serving others that I don't have enough energy to, in a sense, serve myself by being myself. Last year, I was often energetic, happy, cracking jokes, being sarcastic and witty Lindsey. This year, I've been feeling too tired to be myself because I haven't left enough of myself for me--I've been giving all of me away to others. How ironic that in my efforts to give to others, I have given too much, and therefore stopped myself from being able to give as much as I could have because I'm not my best "me".
When I had this realization, I looked to the Savior's life and realized the truth in President Eyring's words. The Savior did not spend every waking moment healing the sick and raising the dead. Even He took time to go off on His own to ponder. Even He needed to spend some time with His disciples next to the fire, just talking. Even He needed friends and confidants. Were His needs always met? No. There are many, many examples of when the Savior sacrificed His own needs to fulfill others', the Atonement being the ultimate example of this. But when the will of the Father allowed, He used wisdom in making sure His needs were met along with the needs of the multitude.
I want to do better at not letting myself run on empty. I want to be better at reaching out to receive love and support from others when I need it so that I can love and support them and others in return. I want to be better at asking for service. I want to be just a little more selfishly me.
Now, this doesn't mean that I'm going to stop being crazy about wanting to love and help everyone in the world realize their worth and potential--service is still my mantra and I'll live and die by it (and think you should too)--but I am going to take it a little more slowly. The world needs me, as it needs each of us, but I also need me. This semester, while setting out to serve and love the world, I hope that I can give a little more time to serve and love myself. I hope that I will be able to, as President Eyring says, "be strengthened and yet inspired to know the limits and extent of [my] ability to serve." I trust the inspiration President Eyring talks about here because I know it comes from someone who loves me and has the fulfillment of my needs as one of His greatest concerns. Together, He and I will be able to fulfill everyone's needs--including my own--better than I ever could on my own.
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