The Phone Call That Changed Our Pregnancy

Jon and I waiting to find out the gender of our baby!

Going to our 20 week ultrasound was super exciting. Jon took the morning off of work so that he could come see the baby and we got to find out the gender...a girl!

Five hours later, however, I got a phone call that changed the mood a bit.

We found some things in your ultrasound, they said.

She has a cleft lip and possibly a cleft palate.

There's signs that she could have Down Syndrome.

And your placenta is bleeding which means your baby may not even survive.

Oh.

I thanked the lady for the phone call and hung up.

You never really expect to get follow up phone calls like that one. Other people get phone calls like that, but not you. Not me. 

At first I didn't really know what to feel. Then, after ten minutes of shock the fear and anxiety started settling in. This isn't the way things were supposed to go. This isn't what I'd wanted. Selfishly, I started thinking about the future life I'd always pictured for myself and how different it was going to be if some of the things the lady on the phone said was true. With a forever dependent child, how was I going to go and do all the things I planned on doing once my kids were supposed to have left the house? And wouldn't it be very challenging taking care of a child with such special and different needs than most other children? I knew that many parents of children with disabilities regarded it as one of the biggest blessing in their lives, but I cowered with feelings of inadequacy at the thought of joining them.

And then as I sat there, I was quietly reminded of two beautiful gospel truths, the remembering of which changed everything. Those two truths are:

1. That God is in control, and
2. That God loves us and will help us through the challenges in this life if we come unto Him.

When I remembered these things, my heart began to change. I realized that regardless of the challenges our daughter would have, that she would be the daughter Heavenly Father wanted to send us. He knows Jon and myself, along with our daughter, He knows what we need, and He loves us all very much. He would not give us anything we couldn't handle, so that means that if He was giving us a daughter with some physical challenges He knew that we could handle it.

In addition, because He loves us, we wouldn't have to take on these challenges on our own. Along with whatever difficulties the future had in store, His helping hand would be there. Jon and I and our daughter weren't in this alone.

Yes, that phone call still changed what we expected our first pregnancy to be like, but remembering these eternal truths changed that phone call and everything that has come since then. We have been to specialists and I've had additional ultrasounds and the whole deal hasn't been smooth sailing. But from the moment I remembered these things, the future has no longer felt scary, but full of beauty and determination and brightness and hope.

Today, the majority of the doctors' concerns about our daughter's health have disappeared except for her cleft, which is so fixable in today's world that Jon and I consider it a blessing. But even if she is born with Down Syndrome, or if sad of sad days comes and we don't get to keep her in this life, I know that God's hand is involved in whatever happens to her--and all of us--in this life, and I'm grateful for the phone call that reminded me of that.

Click here if you want to read my explanation about clefts!

Sisterhood: I Need It!

Over the short month and a half that Jon and I have been married, I have found myself frequently reflecting on something Sister Hinckley once said that was quoted last March in the General Women's Session of Conference:

“Oh, how we need each other. Those of us who are old need you who are young. And, hopefully, you who are young need some of us who are old. It is a sociological fact that women need women. We need deep and satisfying and loyal friendships with each other.”

IT IS SO TRUE! Since marrying Jon, the two of us have had so many fun and wonderful times together. Yet there have been times when I try explaining to him why I feel guilty after eating a day's worth of food in two hours and he doesn't really understand because food just goes right through him, or other times when I know that if I can just express myself and feel understood that everything will suddenly magically be better, but I know that if I start expressing myself to Jon that he'll just get confused as to why I'm having an emotional breakdown and then I'll feel frustrated. Are these things his fault? No! He just has a different pair of genes than I do, which I'm very grateful for! But though I'm grateful that he's a boy and I'm a girl, and though I have a very strong testimony about the sacred nature of the relationship between husband and wife, there is something special about the bond between females that we as women just need. Like Sister Hinckley said: "Women need women," and living the past several weeks without a lot of female companionship has shown me the truth in her words. 

I suppose it's to be expected after living my entire twenty-two-and-a-half years of life with absolutely all females and absolutely no males (well, there was my dad, but dad's don't count!): going from living in estrogen city to living with just testosterone has been quite a change. And not expecting it has made me a little slow in realizing what effect the change is having on me. 

Tonight though, I talked to my mom on the phone for a long time for the first time since I've gotten married, and lo and behold--I feel better! LOADS better! And it helped me realize how dearly I've been missing that female companionship that I've had my whole life in the room across the way. 

So I'm going to try better to make room for girl time in my life. I'm going to call-up old friends and go out to lunch with new ones. I'm going to meet sisters in my new ward and be a diligent visiting teacher. I'm going to call home to talk to my mom and sisters. I'm going to make sure that I don't lose the sisterhood I have with family, friends, and ward members, and also that I don't lose opportunities to make more of these relationships with new people. 

Marriage teaches me something new every day.

Thoughtlits

Today I am determined to be an agent. Today I am determined to be proactive. Today I am determined to become a better person. Today I am determined to be decisive. Today I am determined to help and love and serve. Today I am determined to do good. Today I am determined to be active. Today I am determined to go to bed a better person than I was when I woke up. Today I am determined to work hard and play hard. Today I am determined to be awake. Today I am determined to uplift others. Today I am determined to use my life for good. Today is a good day. Here. I. Come.

Their Love

“For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” -Romans 8:38-39

“No matter how many balls I had juggled and let fall, no matter how much weight I had gained, how much lack of self-control I demonstrated, and how many regrets I carried from the past, He was bound to love me. Earth life is not merely a way of proving myself to them, but also a way for them to prove their love to me.” -Brad Wilcox, “The Continuous Atonement”, page 133

“As you come to truly know the Lord, you will find an intimate, sacred relationship built on trust. You will come to know He understands your anguish and will, in compassion, always respond to you in love. Receive it. Feel it. It is not enough just to know that God loves you. The gift is to be felt continually day by day. It will then be a divine motivator throughout your life.” -Elder Gene R. Cook, “Charity: Perfect and Everlasting Love”, July 2002 Ensign

How long has it been since you have last felt the love Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have for you? If your answer wasn’t yesterday or today, it’s been too long. Take time to slow down and remember how much they love you. You are never alone. You are never forgotten. And you are never unloved. You can conquer any challenge you face when you keep this in mind.

Come Unto Me

"Go thy way unto thy brother, and first be reconciled to they brother, and then come unto me with full purpose of heart, and I will receive you." -3 Nephi 12:24

“Just because God is God, just because Christ is Christ, they cannot do other than care for us and bless us and help us if we will but come unto them, approaching their throne of grace in meekness and lowliness of heart. They can’t help but bless us. They have to. It is their nature. That is why Joseph Smith gave those lectures on faith, so we would understand the nature of godliness and in the process have enough confidence to come unto Christ and find peace to our souls. There is not a single loophole or curveball or open trench to fall into for the man or woman who walks the path that Christ walks. When he says, “Come, follow me” (Luke 18:22), he means that he knows where the quicksand is and where the thorns are and the best way to handle the slippery slope near the summit of our personal mountains. He knows it all, and he knows the way. He is the way.” -Jeffrey R. Holland, April 1998 Ensign

My favorite part of this scripture is that is says to come unto Christ with full purpose of heart. Coming unto Christ should not be a passive thing. It should not be something we think on and do if we have time once our homework is done, the house is clean, and we’re done working for the day. It needs to be the drive behind everything we do. When we do come unto Him—as Elder Holland says—everything becomes easier. Those things which we sometimes mistakenly put before coming unto Him suddenly become easier and more doable; not because Christ has changed the situation, but because he has changed us. Coming unto Christ changes us and give us the capacity to work more cheerfully, serve more abundantly, love more perfectly, and live more fully. It should be the full purpose of our hearts because it is truly the thing which makes our hearts full.